Saturday, November 21, 2009
Don't Stand So Close
Very few things make me squeamish. Okay, maybe torn hands dangling by the ligaments. And possibly tapeworms.But ever since I came over here, I've found another bit to add to my list of ickiness. Or at least things that make me go ick. Enough to make me squeal like a sophomoric girl.
Lizards. Seriously. To call this lil hamlet the Lizard Kingdom could only be an understatement. These wet slimy creepy-crawlies seem to peer out of every nook and cranny in the building with their wickedly sinister eyes. Let's not even talk about their slithery tongues and the eerie snap-clicking sounds they make. No doubt the sweltering heat of this baking seaside village only helps the deceptively small reptiles proliferate in shockingly large numbers.
Obviously just waiting for me to run wildly amuck and start vacuuming the entire heinous lot into a bag for the hospital incinerator. Just the thought of a multitude of nests clustered behind corners makes me itch for a flaming bazooka. Cleansed by holy fire!
It's payback time, bitches!
So you can imagine the painful consternation on my face when I found one in the cabinet just as I was clearing it. A lizard adhered to the edge of the cabinet. Upside down. Not moving. Practically posing for the runway with it sticky webbed palms akimbo.
Who knows. Maybe it had a heart attack. Do lizards even have hearts?
Paul : OMG.
Felix : What is it?
Paul : Look at that!
Felix : OMG. Eeew. Why is it not moving? Is it dead?
Paul : Why don't you go ask it?
Could have sworn I let out a manly yelp but to Fabulous Felix - also in attendance - it was a high-pitched shriek of girlish horror. Seriously couldn't get the broom out fast enough.
The resourceful Glee members came up with just the right song for the occasion.
Don't stand so close to me.
Labels: Me
Posted by savante at 10:39 AM
0 comments
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Gay Man Scorned
Jealousy.It's an ugly, selfish emotion that has crept up on the best of us. Even knightly Arthur himself wasn't spared the sly, green-eyed demon when Lancelot made the moves on his queen. Jealousy certainly drives men to certifiably insane lengths. But to chop the heads of anyone vaguely suspicious, assassinate entire families and order castrations?
After all, how else would a resentful sovereign - with all the power solely in his hands - react to such a betrayal?
At least in dynastic Korea, he does. At least that's what the visually stunning historical epic Frozen Flower suggests, ostensibly based on a true story from the Goryeo Dynasty in Korea. Where a homosexual ruler - with an enviable bevy of beautiful boy-toys - realizes his inability to sire a legitimate heir could signal the end of his reign. Trying his best to shake off the dominance of the neighbouring Chinese empire, the king bides his time by playing the puppet ruler, even consenting to a dynastic match with a Chinese consort.
But that's as far as his sacrifice goes. Balking at the thought of sexual relations with his queen, he hatches up a scheme with his devoted bodyguard-lover. Rather than lie down, close his eyes and think of Korea, the ingenuous king orders his slavish boy-toy to render that one last service for him. Of course you can imagine that such a ridiculously improbable plan to have his devoted bodyguard-lover impregnate his queen would be doomed to fail. Especially when the bodyguard-lover finds the charms of the queen quite as alluring.
The King and His Bodyguard!
Simply put.
King : I want to be king. Damn the overlord. But I need an heir to maintain legitimacy.
Queen : Come sleep with me.
King : No. How many times have I told you I'm gay! I'd rather you sleep with my boy-toy.
Boy-toy : Yes, my liege. Though I won't enjoy it.
Queen : Umm. Alright.
Boy-toy : You know what, I was wrong. I'm actually enjoying sex with you. Variation on a theme.
Queen : Thank the lord I'm no longer a virgin! Baby, fuck me harder.
Boy-toy : Now I'm torn between two lovers!
Queen : And I might be getting pregnant.
King : Bloody hell. I am getting jealous.
Apparently that's when all hell breaks loose. Seriously, hell hath no fury as a gay man scorned. So desperate is he to get his bodyguard-lover back that he commits a vicious string of atrocities from mass beheadings to castrations.
Despite being touted as a shockingly controversial movie for depicting a gay romance, don't expect too much homoeroticism from it! Though the bodyguard-lover seems to have more chemistry with the king, he keeps going back for more with the horny queen. Trying to pander to the largely heterosexual public, there are dozens of explicit shots featuring the lusty queen ecstatically performing her breeding duties with the shockingly willing sperm donor. In comparison there's only one pathetic sexual interlude/quickie between the king and his erstwhile bodyguard-lover.
So does the bodyguard-lover prefer the king or the queen? Hard to tell when he's brutally impaled ( and not in a good way ) at the end. Draw what conclusions you may from the last significant look he shared with the king.
Nice however to see a powerful gay man risk it all for love. Despite the fact that the king could be so utterly foolish at times! Rather than risk his boyfriend straying, why didn't he just join in the fun to keep an eye! Hasn't he heard of threesomes? The king should have turned the breeding session into something so coldly clinical with written cues that the boy would need an overdose dose of viagra just to perform.
And doesn't he already have an entire harem of men ( interchangeable Korean pretty boys really! ) at his disposal?
Labels: Entertainment
Posted by savante at 8:59 PM
9 comments
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Old Porn Becomes New again
Just today, I stumbled across an old porn film that I first watched years - and years back. An incestuous lil gay porn that involved three virile, highly adventuresome ( and shockingly inventive ) brothers. Certainly brought back a wealth of cum-soaked memories of my initial brush with porn.Sure, all-boy schools are rife with heterosexual porn! Seriously, forget about mindless government censorship. Magazines and videos furtively passed around the back over hushed giggles with centerfolds of pomelo-shaped titties and gaping-wide vaginas aplenty to spare. Tried my best to appreciate the sensual possibilities of a busty broad lying on a haystack - but even then I had to resist the unmanly urge to yawn.
Much preferred the amateurish drawings of a naked man in my biology text instead.
Maybe I already had an inkling about my sexual proclivities back then. However there didn't seem to be all that many opportunities coming my way to confirm my budding theories. Hardly any magazines available. No videos in sight. The internet still in its relative infancy. Way back before we actually had gay torrents freely available, there seemed no easy way to lay my hand on a handy source of porn.
At least till I found my way to my cousin's flat in London. Practically a bachelor's pad with my cousin a high school student ( and his parents away minding their Chinese takeaway ), it seemed the perfect place for a porn extravaganza. Hell, Trusty John even offered me his Blockbuster card to rent a few videos out.
Providential.
Damn, wouldn't mind having some porn right about now!
Trying my utmost best to look impossibly nonchalant, I made my way unhurriedly to the gay entertainment section in the Blockbuster store. Ah the vagaries of youth. I'm sure the store clerk had a nasty chuckle watching the nervous ingenue trying to keep his cool in the restricted section.
It was like gay porn heaven. In every form, position and fetish possible ( and some inclinations even I shudder to contemplate! ).
You can already guess the title I took. But it wasn't the only one. Think a crazy splurge on gay porn. Practically covered every naughty fetish availble then. Had to furtively sneak it into my coat as I walked into my cousin's apartment.
John : So how was the dvd store? Great right?
Paul : Umm. Yeah.
John : So what did you get? I brought out some popcorn!
Paul : Umm. You wanna watch too? Aren't you going to class?
John : Still a while more to go. So what do you have?
Paul : Umm. An art film?
Seriously. Shit.
Had to make up all sorts of implausible excuses just to get rid of the poor fellow. Practically gave him a kick to send him on his way. Was it that hard for him to take a hint?
Sure Trusty John seemed surprisingly mature for his age but hey, he's still a susceptible minor at only 16 years! Had a feeling he wanted to sneak a peek as well - hoping that boobs would be the main attraction - but I wouldn't want to sully the poor kid with nightmarish images of incestuous buggery. Had a feeling even then that unlike me, our breeder boy John actually leans towards the heterosexual side of the Kinsey scale.
Labels: Me
Posted by savante at 10:11 AM
7 comments
Monday, November 16, 2009
That Dirty Lil Scorpio
Seems even the fates are conspiring against us. Feel terribly victimized with our already tattered reputations slandered and besmirched by those who don't know better.Seriously. We might sue.
Bad enough that the horoscopes tend to place us at the murkiest of ends. If you're disbelieving of the entirely perverse nature of those born in the month of November ( and the few of us in October ), look no further than my workplace.
By a new initiative recently engineered by the bureaucrats up above, the nurses have been placed into different teams in charge of certain sections of the hospital ward. Then cleverly tagged with the names of horoscope signs to promote harmonious teamwork. Aries got the waiting room. Sagittarius got the changing room. Even Taurus got the pantry.
Somehow by the luck of draw, the Scorpios got the Dirty Utilities Room.
Oh, is that the Dirty Utilities Room!
Really. Somehow it just makes sense. Dark, dank and secluded backroom of the hospital where obviously everything dirty gets tossed. Or was it cleaned? Rumoured to be used for the occasional illicit make-out session.
At least from what I heard.
Labels: Work
Posted by savante at 7:12 PM
8 comments
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Take A Slice of Pork
With an education partly based on the misguided teachings of Islamic-inclined tutors, there has been much argument on the feasibility of consuming pork. Supposedly it's unclean, unworthy and contemptible - at least in their eyes.Having rebellious students like us, that particular exhortation only inspired an immediate backlash of pork-infested feasts following their lectures. Seriously, haven't they read about the temptation of Eve? Of course their supposedly evidence-based teachings seemed to be proven right with the recent swine flu scare a few years back.
Which led to people steering away from pigs in droves.
Oh, for a slice of pork!
Let's not even talk about the skinny socialistas who flee from the thick gelatinous layer of pork fat dripping in oil. Or my similarly pork-fearing mother-in-law :)
The poor maligned pig.
So it was with some amused relief that I found out that not all of us think that way. In fact for some, pork is evidently a panacea for all illnesses.
Only learned that when a hypochondriac aunt of mine decided to seek traditional treament - read snake oil salesman - for her mysterious heart ailments. Repeated arguments for her to stay away from such predatory crackpot mediums seemed to have no effect.
Aunt : So what do I do for my problems, doctor?
Quack : The first commandment. Thou must taketh vegetables and fruits.
Aunt : I have been doing that.
Quack : Verily thou must partake of steamed chicken. Kampung chicken only.
Aunt : Yes, doctor.
Quack : Behold this my most important commandment! Most importantly, thou must eat pork!
Aunt : Eh?
Quack : Have pork and ye shall be healed, my sister!
Obviously Charming Calvin - a staunch advocate of pork-consumption - would be pleased to learn that.
Cure for acute pulmonary oedema? Evidently we don't really need diuretics and beta-blockers anymore. Just a slice of pork a day will do. The astonishing image of patients in the cardiac care unit voraciously munching on endless quantities of bakuteh boggles the mind.
Wonder whether it comes in a pill.
Labels: Issues
